In This Issue

New Year, Old Ideas

Stephen D. Rogers

My Father is a Lesbian
Sharon Hadrian

The Second Coming of K'Miel
T.J. MIndancer

The Old Woman
Q. Kelly

Excerpt from Into the Yellow
Barbara Davies



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July 23, 2005
8:54 a.m.

Today, while brushing my lesbian teeth and lovingly admiring my dripping wet, nakedly feminine body in the bathroom mirror, I inadvertently stumbled upon the newest, clearest theory of sexuality yet. Dr. Freud, watch out! I believe this information should be disseminated immediately, so that young, unaware homosexuals everywhere can embrace their same-sex love at the earliest possible age. Eventually, I hope that my discovery can be applied to pre-natals the world over.

It's so simple, and yet already my "theory" (which henceforth shall be known simply as "my fact") has a 100% success rate. Oh Great Minds of Science, here it is: my Internet girlfriend and I both squeeze the toothpaste tube from the very top, which irks my mother (a "bottom squeezer" and homo-converting Conservative). This leads me to conclude that top squeezing is a distinctly lesbian behaviour, and tomorrow I will be heading to the Hygiene section of Target to spread the word to my fellow sisters.

Oh, and on the pre-natal thing. I guess we'll have to wait until they start teething.

July 24, 2005
8:06 a.m.

Today I have stumbled upon the most amazing realization: my father also squeezes the toothpaste from the top, an uncontrollable condition that solicits further ire from my mother. No wonder they don't get along.

This newfound knowledge is clear in its intent, and has been revealed to me for one express purpose: to further the study of my fact by including another, more complex group of humans into my research pool. I am very excited by this discovery.

Clearly, my father is a lesbian.

July 26, 2005
9:07 p.m.

I have spent the past two days pondering the most effective way to quickly and efficiently pull my father out of his stifling heterosexual male closet. Finally, after much research, I have decided to make him watch Boys Don't Cry in reverse until he comes to terms with his repressed sexuality. I figure that the sight of Hilary Swank as a member of the man-gender will make any male wish to be the female that (s)he truly is. He might also cry, but then he is allowed.

Also, I received further conclusive proof today Re: my father. I posted a photo of him on an Internet message board, and several hours later I received a response from a lesbian in England who said (very matter-of-factly might I add), "He pings for me."

I feel vindicated.

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